Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
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My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties