Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.


Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir


*Sucks spider up in vacuum*


*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*


Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine


[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?