14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
You Might Also Like
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Every work call, he judges.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I WON A HAM TODAY
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware