Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
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ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet