*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
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“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox