Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
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Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Spring cleaning checklist…
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}