A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
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You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones