What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
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The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans