woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
You Might Also Like
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach