In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
You Might Also Like
professor x: what鈥檚 your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I鈥檇 have to be voted in and that wouldn鈥檛 happen.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I鈥檓 a weremango
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they鈥檙e all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 馃檨
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it鈥檚 like she鈥檚 here watching over me
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they鈥檝e fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
cop: you鈥檙e so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done