Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I always get my pizza cut into 4 slices. You’d have to be a fat ass to eat 8 slices.
If I get married, I’d take my wife to a deserted island on our honeymoon. On our 15th anniversary, I’d return to pick her up.
A person dies every 3 seconds. How can a person die that many times?
I sing like Sinatra and have the brain of Einstein. I think that’s why girls call me Frankenstein.
I just read a bumper sticker that said, “Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you love Satan.”
Sent from iPhone.
Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued?
I’ll tweet it tomorrow.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.