Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
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I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.