All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 馃槝
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Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
He just like my cat fr
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
If she鈥檚 your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 馃憤.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you鈥檙e a natural
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.