Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
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I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”