“Miss me yet?” – 2019
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If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Start the year as you intend to continue.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to