When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
You Might Also Like
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.