Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.