Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
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I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!