Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
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I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Worst Native American name ever.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute