Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
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Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Mornin
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it