Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
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kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay