My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
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I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
There’s always that one guy