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The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.