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@T_Bonezzz_ : Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
@T_Bonezzz_: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
@T_Bonezzz_: When I'm depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
@T_Bonezzz_: Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
@T_Bonezzz_: Me: I hurt my back really bad
Me: I woke up
@T_Bonezzz_: [First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I'm gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it's been 3 hours
@T_Bonezzz_: [FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
@T_Bonezzz_: My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
@T_Bonezzz_: Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
@T_Bonezzz_: *Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Calls in sick