Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Calls in sick
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!