@T_Bonezzz_

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

@T_Bonezzz_

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

@T_Bonezzz_

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

@T_Bonezzz_

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

@T_Bonezzz_

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

@T_Bonezzz_

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

@T_Bonezzz_

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

@T_Bonezzz_

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

@T_Bonezzz_

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!