*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
[ First Date ]
Her: OMG, I’ve been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself..
Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that