My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
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Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Not even remotely sorry.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro