[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
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*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
When you don’t understand how floors work