Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
you have three unread messages
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please