The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
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Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”