me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
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White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
⛄️
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
This did not end as expected.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”