Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
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When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.