Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
What?
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
What
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.