If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.