Me: I’m 35.
Guy on twitter who is also 35: That’s ok I like older women.
I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it’s hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.
I dip my pizza sticks in softened butter, so no Janet, I’m not too sure how many calories are in this milkshake.
I put my pants on just like everybody else, by getting my toes caught in the knee hole hopping around and ultimately taking out a lamp on my way down.
him: *rolls over and puts his hand under the pillow* what’s this?
me: what, my snuggle knife?