A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
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[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.