@TamiDaBushPilot

Me: I’m 35.
Guy on twitter who is also 35: That’s ok I like older women.

@TamiDaBushPilot

I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it’s hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.

@TamiDaBushPilot

I dip my pizza sticks in softened butter, so no Janet, I’m not too sure how many calories are in this milkshake.

@TamiDaBushPilot

I put my pants on just like everybody else, by getting my toes caught in the knee hole hopping around and ultimately taking out a lamp on my way down.

@TamiDaBushPilot

him: *rolls over and puts his hand under the pillow* what’s this?
me: what, my snuggle knife?