@TankCesar

Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.

@TankCesar

Them: How’d you get to be so funny?

Me: Mental illness.

@TankCesar

Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

@TankCesar

The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.

@TankCesar

How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?

Because I’m tired of running and he’s catching up….

@TankCesar

*murderer looking for me*
Murderer: I’m just a poor boy nobody loves me…
Me under bed: *cry sings* He’s just a poor boy from a poor family

@TankCesar

My doctor tells me I’m healthy enough for sexual activity…I’m just not attractive enough.

@TankCesar

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.