Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.
Them: How’d you get to be so funny?
Me: Mental illness.
Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.
I deserve butter.
(not a typo)
How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?
Because I’m tired of running and he’s catching up….
Marriage: when hanging out goes way too far.
*murderer looking for me*
Murderer: I’m just a poor boy nobody loves me…
Me under bed: *cry sings* He’s just a poor boy from a poor family
My doctor tells me I’m healthy enough for sexual activity…I’m just not attractive enough.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.