@TankCesar Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.
@TankCesar 
@TankCesar Them: How’d you get to be so funny?
Me: Mental illness.
@TankCesar Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
@TankCesar The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.
@TankCesar I deserve butter.
(not a typo)
@TankCesar How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?
Because I’m tired of running and he’s catching up….
@TankCesar Marriage: when hanging out goes way too far.
@TankCesar *murderer looking for me*
Murderer: I’m just a poor boy nobody loves me…
Me under bed: *cry sings* He’s just a poor boy from a poor family
@TankCesar My doctor tells me I’m healthy enough for sexual activity…I’m just not attractive enough.
@TankCesar Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.