*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
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“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
#merica
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
May have had one breakfast too many
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.