Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
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We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.