Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
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“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“I wouldn’t.”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist