me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
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God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.