me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
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Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks