The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
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How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that