[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
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Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude