a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
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Punctuation Matters. Period.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.