[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
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If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Oh the world we live in…