I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
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My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂