I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids