@Tbone7219

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

@Tbone7219

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

@Tbone7219

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

@Tbone7219

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

@Tbone7219

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

@Tbone7219

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

@Tbone7219

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

@Tbone7219

My ceiling fan has three speeds ~

1. Slow

2. Medium

3. HOLY SHIT THERE’S A HELICOPTER LANDING IN MY BEDROOM !!!!

@Tbone7219

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

@Tbone7219

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.