I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.