My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.