For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.