Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
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Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.